Judgment Creates a Narrow Mind

Sad feelings overwhelmed her mind as she felt distant from family and friends.  She wallows in shame and guilt as she judges her behavior, hypothesizing over what is right and wrong.  She looks at things in a binary view without realizing other perspectives.  She only feels shame and ridicule of herself.

There is no right or wrong, there is a system of multiplicity.  What works for one person may not for another but who has the right to decide what is suitable versus immoral?  We all do the best we can with the knowledge we are given and the values set within.

Her story begins with her attachment to her mother.  As a daughter with an insecure attachment, she judged her mother’s behavior for marrying her fourth husband after dating for a short period of time.  She not only found a man who she loves but has a large family and they soon started a major project to renovate his house.  Her her dismay, she discounted her decision because it was the same scenario with her previous husband.  He had a large family and just after the marriage they modernized the house.

She feels lonely and longs to belong, connect and be apart of a lifelong commitment as her mom endeavors.  She understood her mother’s isolation wore on her psyche.  When she met her husband, perhaps it was love at first sight; perhaps not, but who isto judge.  As long as she is happy, that is all that matters.  By judging and not acknowledging her mother’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors she depleted her mother’s happiness.

She also has an insecure attachment with her father and lost respect for him because she didn’t agree his decisions.  He married women who were passionate, strong-willed and independent.  He never had a job more than a year, soon granted an inheritance but let it dwindle away, declared bankruptcy and is searching again for job after job.  He hurt deeply and longed for a woman to save him from his pain and sorry.   She now realizes that it is time  to stop  parenting her parents and take care of herself.  As children age, parents and children can find support and understanding in friendship.  Stop the codependency and allow the person to learn and grow on their own in their own time.

The more judgment protrayed on oneself, the more one ridicules and judges another. She realized she judged her ex-boyfriend.  He found it exciting for a woman to sleep with many men rationalizing the notion that variety is the spice of life.  However, just because one likes novelty in different restaurants, places, and meeting new people doesn’t mean they want to sleep with multiple people.  Understanding personal values and affirming them is important in setting boundaries for a healthy relationship.

Through exploration, learning and growth, new insight and appreciation for diversity in relationships, thoughts, and behaviors, enables diffrentiation without judgment.  Be true to yourself and live your own life according to your own rules.  There is no right or wrong; just tolerance and acceptance.


3 thoughts on “Judgment Creates a Narrow Mind

  1. In my experience the only peace we really achieve is when we manifest the courage and forsight to tolerate and accept the behaviors and values of others. Like an expedition, we all need to learn that the trail is mixed with many things we do not understand and may even seem vexing or perilous. Our best bet for survival is to become “observers” of all we experience and integrate what helps us grow and become stronger and pass on anything, without prejudice, that doesn’t. If we keep our eyes and our minds open we can be introduced to things that can help to liberate us from the misguided advice we all grow up with. But the lesson in any case is to, as you say, be tolerant and accepting. 2000 years ago a man (and simply a man) introduced the toughest concept for humans to process: turning the other cheek. If we can all learn to set our own agendas and egos aside we will become what Freud said only a very small percentage of the population enjoyed: true internal direction, where everything we do is driven not by pride and ego but by a sincere desire to help others and promote harmony. Regarding our own behavior; others can suggest a pathway believing that it has long term merit but 1 million years ago a part of our brain formed within our heads that allowed us to contemplate alternatives and makes “choices”. We’ve all made good and bad choices – and the journey is still underway for you with still much to learn like all of us. But from what you’ve indicated you’ve come to understand more about yourself in the last few years than in all the years prior. Knowledge is power – the power to grow and make better and better decisions. Something tells me you will make life a recipe of different ingredients ending up with what most would still call a unique lifestyle but one you can accept for yourself in spite of other opinions. One thing seems clear; you appear to possess a magical set of qualities that, if fully appreciated by you, will lead you down a pathway of laughter, fulfillment and rainbow covered valleys. Always the best…

  2. I hear you about your Mother…Preferring friends to family, occasionally or all the time is entirely normal and is in no way reflective of any failing on your part. Your relationship with family members can be compared to a relationship with coworkers – circumstance has joined you together and you can make the best of it without finding it satisfying. In forming your own “family,” you are given the opportunity to let go of the resentment and stress associated with your biological family and to choose what relationships you feel are meaningful. You may find you enjoy spending time with your created family more than you enjoy spending time with your traditional family. This shouldn’t be a source of guilt. Life is too short to associate with people simply because you feel an obligation, particularly if those people are hurtful or judgmental. You’re better served associating with people who you find kind, who inspire you, and with whom you can relax, whether they are friend, family, or loved one.

    • Thank you Eros Painter for your kind comment, encouragement and insightful vision. You are truly a wise person and sounds like you may have similar experiences to know how to diminish the guilt, resentment and stress. Thank you, my friend.

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