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Is it wise to practice weight training and aerobic exercise on the same day?
That issue is surprisingly contentious in the sports world. Many competitive athletes, their coaches and athletic trainers have come to believe that aerobic exercise, if practiced in close proximity to strength training, reduces the ability of muscles to strengthen and grow. Conversely, many contend that weight training performed on the same day as aerobic exercise blunts the endurance training response.
This phenomenon, known variously as “muscle interference” or “exercise antagonism,” is a frequent topic on fitness-related chat boards. But to date, most of the discussions have been based on anecdotal evidence or simple conjecture. There has been little science supporting or challenging the existence of interference.
So, independently, groups of researchers at McMaster University in Ontario and the Karolinska Institute and other institutions in Sweden recently recruited volunteers to test the idea that you get more physiological benefit from performing only one type of exercise on any given day.
The two groups of scientists rounded up very different subjects. In Sweden, the volunteers were healthy and active young men, primarily college students who regularly worked out but didn’t necessarily compete.
The Canadian volunteers were sedentary, middle-aged men who hadn’t exercised much, if at all, in the past year. (No women took part in either study, an omission that is common and frustrating in exercise science.)
The exercise protocols were also different, in interesting ways. In Sweden, the men began by pedaling a stationary bicycle for 45 minutes, using only one leg, an action that supplied the aerobic component of the experiment. Six hours later, they completed a series of strenuous leg extension exercises using both legs.
Essentially, in each participant one leg had undergone combined exercise, featuring both endurance and resistance training on the same day, while the other leg had done endurance training alone.
The scientists took muscle biopsies before and after each session.
For their part, the Canadian researchers had their older volunteers finish three separate trials. In one, the men rode a stationary bicycle for 40 minutes at a moderate pace. On another day, the same volunteers sweated through eight relatively strenuous sets of leg extension exercises. In the final session, the men completed four sets of leg extensions and then rode the bicycle for 20 minutes, finishing half as much of each type of exercise, but in rapid succession.
The scientists biopsied the men’s leg muscles before and after each session.
“Our hypothesis had been that we would see a greater response to each exercise individually,” says Stuart Phillips, a professor of kinesiology at McMaster who oversaw the Canadian study. Specifically, he says, the scientists had expected that endurance training on its own would significantly affect portions of the muscle cell related to energy production, while resistance training would increase protein synthesis within muscles, the first step toward enlarging the muscles.
Combined training, the Canadian scientists had hypothesized, would dampen at least one of the molecular changes; physiologically, one of the responses would predominate and interfere with the other.
That didn’t happen.
Instead, after combined training, the men’s muscles displayed the same amount of change within both cellular pathways as after either type of exercise on its own, even though the men had actually completed only half as much of each.
“We saw no indications of interference,” says Dr. Phillips, whose study was published last month in The Journal of Applied Physiology.
The Swedish investigators arrived at a similar result. Their study, published in March in Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise, showed little difference in the genetic and biomechanical responses within muscles whether the men performed both aerobic and resistance training or aerobic training alone.
In other words, “aerobic exercise can precede resistance exercise on the same day without compromising” muscle building, the scientists conclude.
And if you prefer your weight training first, the Canadian study scheduled the resistance work before the bike riding, without compromising the results for either type of exercise.
Of course, both studies looked only at immediate results. But Dr. Phillips believes that over the long term, the effects should be the same. “There’s no reason to assume that interference only kicks in later in training,” he said. If it existed, he continues, it presumably would show up in the earliest molecular changes inside muscles, and it did not.
These findings are important for serious competitive athletes who are designing serious, complicated training regimens. But they also have implications for those of us who’ve been, until now, ignorant of the possible existence of exercise antagonism. We can, it seems, remain blissfully unconcerned.
“It appears that you can set up a workout regimen that happens to be convenient for you,” in terms of how and when you shuffle the endurance and resistance elements, says Dr. Phillips, “and you’re not going to get less training response.”
Best of all, Dr. Phillips’s study suggests that you can potentially do less of each form of exercise when you combine them and still gain considerable benefits. “In our study, the men were doing only 50 percent as much” cycling and weight training in the combined session as during the specialized workouts, he points out. “But their muscles couldn’t tell the difference.”
Gretchen Reynolds is the author of “The First 20 Minutes: Surprising Science Reveals How We Can Exercise Better, Train Smarter, Live Longer” (Hudson Street Press, 2012).
Are Women Really More Emotional Than Men?
Women have been stereotypically defined as being more emotional than men. In popular culture,
women are depicted as being more emotionally volatile, often erupting into fits of sadness, anger, despair or jealousy much more frequently than their male counterparts. But is this portrayal scientifically accurate? Research has shown that there are differences in how men and women emotionally respond to situations. However, little research has addressed the core self-conscious emotions (SCE) of men and women and how they differ. Nicole M. Else-Quest of the Department of Psychology at the University of Maryland in Baltimore sought to debunk the myth that women have less emotional regulation than men. She recently conducted a study that compared male and female levels of embarrassment, shame, guilt, and pride in data gathered from over 300 studies.
Existing research has shown that women and men differ in their risks for some mental health issues such as depression, food and eating issues, anxiety, and self-worth. How men and women experience SCEs has a direct influence on their likelihood of developing these and other psychological problems. Else-Quest analyzed over 200,000 self-reports and found that for the most part, women and men had similar levels of SCEs. The results revealed slightly higher levels of guilt and shame in the women, but minimal differences in pride and embarrassment. Else-Quest also looked at age as a factor because men and women tend to exhibit the first signs of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem at different ages. She found that although there were relatively few differences in SCEs in early childhood, women reported higher levels of SCEs, primarily shame and guilt, during adolescence.
Overall, Else-Quest discovered that women experienced the highest levels of guilt and shame when they were asked about sex, food and eating, body image, or the environment. Although the rates of SCEs in these areas were only slightly higher for women than men, these results support existing research regarding women’s emotional perceptions about sex, body image, and eating problems. Else-Quest concluded by saying that even though women had minimally elevated levels of guilt and shame, the men and women reported levels of pride and embarrassment that were virtually identical. She added, “These findings contribute to the literature demonstrating that blanket stereotypes about women’s greater emotionality are inaccurate.”
Reference:
Else-Quest, N. M., Higgins, A., Allison, C., Morton, L. C. (2012). Gender differences in self-conscious emotional experience: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0027930
4 Strategies to Cope with Anger in A Healthy Way
Our world is in the midst of an emotional meltdown. People are restless, volatile, our tempers about to blow. Recently, a riveting Newsweek cover story, “Rage Goes Viral” described how from Tunisia to Egypt a wave of rage is rocking the world to create revolutions. Then there are the talk radio ranters, congressional incivility, and domestic terrorists such as the Arizona shooter. Rage is also prevalent in our daily lives: There’s road rage, office rage, supermarket rage, and even surfer’s rage. Why is rage so rampant? What is the solution?
In my book, “Emotional Freedom” I explore the differences between “good” and “bad” anger. Anger can be a healthy reaction to injustice such as cultures fighting to free themselves from repressive regimes. Anger rallies people. It creates energy and motivation to rebel against dysfunctional political or social systems. It also motivates groups to go on strike say, for higher, well-deserved wages or to defend human rights. On a personal level, anger can be good if it’s expressed in a focused, healthy way rather than using it as a weapon to punish or hurt others.
Your Body’s Reaction To Anger As a psychiatrist, I know that anger is intensely physical and can come from a primal place. Let’s say a colleague double-crosses you in a business deal. You feel angry. Your amygdala (the emotional center in the brain) stimulates adrenaline. You get an energy rush that rallies you to fight. Blood flows to your hands, making it easier to grasp a weapon. Your heart pumps faster. You breathe harder. Pupils dilate. You sweat. In this hyperadrenalized state, aggression mounts. You may raise your voice, point accusingly, stare him down, grimace, flail your arms around, verbally intimidate, barge into his personal space. Taken to an extreme, you could literally be driven to knock him out or beat him up. In a pure survival-oriented sense, you want to dominate and retaliate to protect yourself and prevent further exploitation. Anger is one of the hardest impulses to control because of its evolutionary value in defending against danger.
What factors make us susceptible to anger? One is an accumulation of built-up stresses. That’s why your temper can flare more easily after a frustrating day. The second is letting anger and resentments smolder. When anger becomes chronic, cortisol, the stress hormone, contributes to its slow burn. Remaining in this condition makes you edgy, quick to snap. Research has proven that anger feeds on itself. The effect is cumulative: each angry episode builds on the hormonal momentum of the time before. For example, even the most devoted, loving mothers may be horrified to find themselves screaming at their kids if they haven’t learned to constructively diffuse a backlog of irritations. Therefore, the powerful lesson our biology teaches us is the necessity of breaking the hostility cycle early on, and that brooding on the past is hazardous to your well-being.
For optimal health, you must address your anger. But the point isn’t to keep blowing up when you’re upset rather–it’s to develop strategies to express anger that are body-friendly. Otherwise, you’ll be set up for illnesses such as migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, or chronic pain, which can be exacerbated by tension. Or you’ll keep jacking up your blood pressure and constricting your blood vessels, which compromises flow to the heart. A Johns Hopkins study reports that young men who habitually react to stress with anger are more likely than their calmer counterparts to have an early heart attack, even without a family history of heart disease. Further, other studies have shown that hostile couples who hurl insults and roll their eyes when arguing physically heal more slowly than less antagonistic partners who have a “we’re in this together” attitude.
Still, repressing anger isn’t the answer either. Research also reveals that those who keep silent during marital disputes have a greater chance of dying from heart disease or suffering stress-related ailments than those who speak their minds.
Here are some strategies from “Emotional Freedom” to productively cope with anger in daily life.
4 Tips To Diffuse Anger
1. When you’re upset, pause, and slowly count to ten.
To offset the adrenaline surge of anger, train yourself not to lash back impulsively. Wait before you speak. Take a few deep breaths and VERY slowly, silently, count to ten (or to fifty if necessary). Use the lull of these moments to regroup before you decide what to do so you don’t say something you regret
2. Take a cooling-off period.
To further quiet your neurotransmitters, take an extended time-out, hours or even longer. When you’re steaming retreat to a calm setting to lower your stress level. Reduce external stimulation. Dim the lights. Listen to soothing music. Meditate. Do some aerobic exercise or yoga to expel anger from your system.
3. Don’t address anger when you’re rushed.
Make sure you have adequate time to identify what’s made you angry. A Princeton study found that even after theology students heard a lecture on the Good Samaritan, they still didn’t stop to help a distressed person on the street when they thought they’d be late for their next class. Thus, allotting unhurried time to resolve the conflict lets you tap into your most compassionate response.
4. Don’t try to address your anger when you’re tired or before sleep.
Since anger revs up your system, it can interfere with restful sleep and cause insomnia. The mind grinds. Better to examine your anger earlier in the day so your adrenaline can simmer down. Also being well rested makes you less prone to reacting with irritation, allows you to stay balanced.
The goal with anger is to own the moment so this emotion doesn’t own you. Then you can mindfully respond rather than simply react. You’ll have the lucidity to be solution oriented and therefore empower how you relate to others.
Judith Orloff
Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com
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Keeping Marital Secrets Closeted
By JANE ISAY
THIS summer, soon after gay marriage became legal in New York, my sons held a wedding for my former husband and his partner of over 30 years. The grandchildren were flower girl and ring bearers. The wedding thrust me back to the time when we faced a terrible choice and decided to stay married for the children. That’s what motivated my then husband and me to carry on our incomplete marriage for its last nine years, and that’s how we explained our actions after the divorce. It was a convenient truth, and also a self-serving one.
The year was 1980. I was waiting for my husband of 15 years to return from the last party of a psychiatry convention. I could hear voices from down the hall, happy men enjoying their time together. When he came in, his face was grave. He sat down on the bed and said, “I have something I need to tell you.” He took a deep breath. “I’m homosexual.” At that moment I saw my future collapse before my eyes. I got the chills and ran to take a hot bath. It gave me time to think and warmed me, but not for long. We spent the night talking and lamenting. On the plane home, we held each other and sobbed and planned. By the time we landed, we had decided to keep his sexual orientation a secret and stay married for the sake of the children.
Of course we both wanted to protect our sons, who were 10 and 14. Divorce was not uncommon then, but the circumstances surrounding our relationship were controversial and would have created a scandal in our small university town, so staying married for the children helped us both feel better about ourselves and our lies. We thought they didn’t notice any change, and we were mistaken. Secrets have a way of seeping into the atmosphere. Kids are natural observers. They watch parents like hawks, and they know when something is wrong, even if they don’t know what. I desperately wanted the charade to work at home — we were doing this for the children. So covering for my husband on his two nights a week out, and his two vacations a year became second nature — he was a busy man with many meetings.
I paid a price for my silence with my closest friends, because a secret of this magnitude builds barriers. I just couldn’t bear to show them the spot I was in. And I was leery of advice. When I felt so alone, I could always remind myself what a good person I was being, sacrificing for the children.
The other reasons for staying married were not so charming. If I had thought, I’m staying for the money, I might have questioned the lies I told my sons about where their father was on the nights he spent with his future husband. Or if he had thought, I’m staying to promote my career as a psychoanalyst, he might have felt a little heavy on the ambition scale. Or if we both had realized that we were just too scared to face the world alone, I might have given up some of the pretending, and he might have realized the gravity of his original secret.
But never mind. We had an explanation that made people admire us when we finally went public. Other truths might have evoked pity or suspicion: what’s the matter with her radar? How could she accept a half a marriage instead of a whole one? Who is she, really? To say we stayed married for the children put an end to uncomfortable questions.
If I had faced the other reasons to stay in the marriage, the burden of our lies would probably have been harder to bear. But the burden on our sons might also have been lightened. It’s not so great for kids to be told they are the cause of their parents’ behavior, especially when that’s only part of the story. When they finally learned the truth, our sons were more disturbed by our deception than by the facts. Our reasons didn’t seem to matter anymore. Truth trumps lies every time.
The phrase “we stayed married for the children” is like a silk duvet on a complicated and imperfect marriage bed. Nobody really wants to turn back the covers, the unhappy spouses least of all.
How Your Health Choices Can Change Your Genes
Since researchers cracked the human genome some 10 years ago, we’ve had a heightened awareness of the importance of genetics in our risk for certain diseases and disorders, both mental and physical. Subsequent studies have continued to find connections between our genetic profiles and our likelihood of developing health problems, from breast cancer and heart attack to depression, obesity, and Alzheimer’s disease. Some people choose to undergo genetic tests to determine whether they carry copies of specific genes that put them at higher risk for various diseases. Knowing that one possesses 
copies of “cancer genes,” for example, can lead to some tough decisions about where to go from there.
copies of “cancer genes,” for example, can lead to some tough decisions about where to go from there.“Our genes are modified by the choices we make every day – the foods we put in our bodies, the chemicals we are exposed to, how active we opt to be, and even our social environments.”
A bright spot, however, is that what’s also become clear in recent years is that genetics is only half of the discussion. Our lifestyles, as doctors are keen on telling us, are important in increasing or reducing our risk of various diseases. Research in the new field of epigenetics is finding that our lifestyle choices – the foods we put in our bodies, the chemicals we are exposed to, how active we opt to be, even our social environments – can actually alter our health at the level of the gene. These choices can have big effects on our risk for disease, even if our genes seem to be working against us. So before throwing your hands up and saying, “What can I do? It’s all up to my genes,” read on.
How Choices Can Change Molecules
Smoking is a familiar example of how our behaviors can affect our genes. We know smoking is linked to poor health outcomes. But how does this work molecularly-speaking? In this case, the carcinogens in cigarette smoke directly affect the molecules in our bodies, triggering the growth of cancer by mutating our anti-cancer genes so that they no longer function effectively.
But what’s found to be equally true is that the positive lifestyle choices we make – most notably, eating right and exercising – may have just as powerful an effect on our genetic makeup. Two recent studies illustrate this point. One found that eating well can “turn off” the genes that put one at higher risk for heart problems1; the other showed that exercise can persuade stem cells to become bone and blood cells rather than fat cells.(2) Each helps us see just how lifestyle variables work at the genetic level to modify our risk.
You (and Your Genes) Are What You Eat
In the first study, people who ate more raw fruits and vegetables had a reduced risk of heart disease, even if they carried copies of the gene that increases one’s risk for cardiovascular disease.(1) The researchers divided groups of participants according to the type of diet they ate. They dubbed the diets as follows: a typical “Western” diet included more salty and fried foods, meats, eggs, and sugar; the “Oriental” diet consisted of more soy, pickled foods, eggs, and leafy greens; and the ”Prudent” diet, contained more raw fruits and veggies, leafy greens, nuts, and dairy. People who were genetically at the very highest risk of having a heart attack (they had two copies of the specific genes associated with heart attacks) had about double the heart risk if they ate a diet lacking in fruits and vegetables, compared to people who ate a prudent diet.
The study illustrates vividly how eating well will not only help you feel better in an immediate way, but it could actually alter your genes and reduce risk to your heart in a long term way.
Exercise Can Sway the Fat(e) of Cells
Exercise is the other piece of advice that we hear over again. It is strongly linked to a variety of health benefits from heart and vascular health, to warding off Alzheimer’s, to extending lifespan. But now researchers are beginning to show that exercise may function, at least in part, by affecting the expression of our genes.
“Some of the impact of exercise is comparable to what we see with pharmaceutical intervention.”
Certain types of stem cells can “choose” how they differentiate, and exercise and environmental factors can actually determine the direction that cells take early in their development. When mice run on a treadmill for as little as an hour three times a week, the exercise induced these stem cells to become blood-producing cells of the bone marrow, rather than fat cells.
The stem cells of sedentary mice in this study were much more likely to become fat cells. “Some of the impact of exercise is comparable to what we see with pharmaceutical intervention,” says author Gianni Parise in a university press release. “Exercise has the ability to impact stem cell biology. It has the ability to influence how they differentiate.”
If exercise can influence how stem cells differentiate into mature cells, it is certainly possible that exercise also works on the genetic level as it influences our risk for certain diseases. More research will be needed to map out the molecular changes that exercise brings about. Again, since the evidence is overwhelming that exercise does reduce our risk for physical and mental health problems, it certainly won’t hurt to put on your walking shoes and get moving.
The Molecules that Affect Gene Activity
Much more work needs to be done to untangle the specific changes that are occurring in the genes exposed to different environments and lifestyles. Researchers do know that it’s not the genes themselves that are changed by lifestyle or environmental factors; rather, it’s likely the molecules around them, which can affect how active genes are.
“We are not completely at the mercy of our genes. In many ways, they are at the mercy of our health and lifestyle decisions and habits.”
Methylation is one example of the molecular changes that may occur in response to environmental factors, and there are other regulatory molecules that could certainly be affected by the foods we eat, the chemicals we come into contact with every day, the viruses we contract, and our level of activity. The addition or subtraction of a methyl group is known to be a cue for whether genes are turned off or on.
A recent study found that in sets of twins, one of whom suffered from schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, there were differences in how methylated certain disease-associated genes were between the two twins.(3) This suggests that for people who share identical genomes, the molecules around the genes may play an important role in whether certain diseases are present or not. Other studies have found similar results regarding methylation as a likely candidate for the changes that are occurring early in development as a result of exposure to the chemical additive BPA,(4) and in the buildup of amyloid-beta precursor protein in response to inflammation in Alzheimer’s disease.(5)
Be Kind to Your Genes
That our lifestyles can affect our genes in significant way is both sobering and encouraging. On one hand, our genes affect our health, since they can put us at varying levels of risk for health issues like heart disease, weight gain, and even depression. And on the other, our lifestyles also affect our health in significant ways at the level of the gene. Eating fruits and vegetables can “turn off” the heart attack genes, and exercise can sway the development of stem cells.
We are not completely at the mercy of our genes. In many ways, they are at the mercy of our health and lifestyle decisions and habits. Family history can be a strong predictor of disease, but we have at least some power to change it. Making healthy lifestyle choices may not be foolproof, but for many it could mean the difference between experiencing a significant health issue and avoiding it. So, your doctor’s advice is not just rote recitation. Pay attention to it with the knowledge that your genes are paying attention, too.
Self-Soothing, A Technique for Coping During Times of Stress and Anxiety
As I struggle to balance taking care of myself and letting a friend know during their troubled time that I care 
for them deeply, I contemplate balance, differentiation, and self-soothing. These terms enter my mind as I want to ensure I love and care for others while taking care of my own needs. I differentiate and free my friend to solve their own problems. I liberate from guilt and resentment. And we both learn to self-soothe.
The word balance came to mind as I want to remain independent, accomplish tasks that give me empowerment, a sense of achievement, and purpose as I take responsibility of my life. As I weigh the consequences of my actions, I contemplate the thoughts, “Am I being too independent?”, “Am I not being a good friend?”, “Am I being selfish?”, and “Am I doing the right thing?”
Pondering these questions, I notice my first reaction is that, “I am not selfish”, “I have shown my friend that I care by calling several times during the day to check-in”,and “I am creating healthy detachment so that both of us can take responsibility of our life and self soothe.”
So what is self-soothing? Self-soothing is the act of taking responsibility for their own needs. Self-soothing is techniques that provide personal comfort, have calming affects, and brings inner peace during times of turmoil. They are self-supportive methods that help alleviate stress and anxiety. There is no one size fits all mechanism for self-soothing. As each person is unique, every individual has their own distinctive set of cognitions and behaviors that help alleviate pain.
Here is a list of several self-comforting techniques. This is certainly not a complete list but a comprehensive list that may trigger more personable practices that help you when feeling down.
- Meditation
Find a comfortable position. It can be sitting with your feet flat on the floor or lying down on your back. Place your hands either comfortably across your lap or palms down on your thighs. Relax your facial muscles; it doesn’t matter if your eyes are closed or open. Do what feels right for you.
Now concentrate on the tip of your nose, feel the breath going in and out. Notice where the breath is going. Is it focused in the chest or are you breathing deeply into your stomach? Notice how you are feeling in this relaxed state of mind and focusing on the breath, and placement in the body. At every out-breath say out loud or silently a feeling that you want to rid of; i.e. anxiety. And then on the in-breath say out loud or silently a feeling that you want to bring in; i.e. peace or harmony.
Continue breathing, noticing where the breath falls, and saying the words that you want to bring inward and exhale outward. Maintain this exercise for a minimum of ten breathes. When you come at 10, notice how you are feeling.
Carry on the breathing mediation starting at 1 again. Focus attention on the tip of the nose, the lungs, stomach, and inner feelings. Maintain for 5 minutes. Release the attention on the breath, the concentration on the tip of the nose, and notice how you are feeling now.
Here is a list of more self-soothing techniques. Please feel free to add your own healthy coping skills.
- Enjoy an aromatherapy bath with calming essential oils such as lavender or rose oil.
- Take a walk in nature or a safe, secluded path.
- Schedule a massage.
- Engage in gardening.
- Call a friend.
- Exercise; i.e. ride a bike, go for a jog, weight lift; something that is more in tune with your body and not your mind.
Practicing these techniques can bring a sense of well-being and a peaceful state of mind during times of anxiety and stress. They can bring a sense of connectedness to your inner being, spending quality time with yourself as you reflect your thoughts and feelings, noticing, accepting, and in the accepting, letting it go, and finally, to transform it. These techniques can not only bring more inner peace, but they can help build better relationships where we are free from fusion and enmeshment and living more holistically and in balance.
It’s THAT Generation, They Have Such a Sense of Entitlement
“My son brings his laundry over. It’s like five loads. I don’t have time to do that, so I take it over to the dry cleaning.” “Wow” I say… as I am thinking, why doesn’t she just make him do his own laundry? And then she said, “Yeah, it’s that sense of entitlement in that generation.” I agreed, but I also thought she is contributing to that attitude by enabling his behavior to continue. It seems so easy to blame without looking how we are causative to the circumstances.
Don’t get me wrong. She is an absolutely lovely woman; sweet, considerate, and laughed about the whole situation as we talked in the community laundry room. She knows deep down the true essence of what is happening with the dynamics between her and her son, but it stems from her generation where her parents were busy working, emotionally unavailable, and required her to do chores as part of the household. I know because I am from the same generation.
My parents worked hard, struggled financially, and disciplined me to clean the house for $5.00 a week. It instilled values of working for my money, saving, and respect. However I was so obedient in my efforts because I longed and hoped of receiving more of their time, attention, and love. I was a pleaser, an enabler, looking for my emotionally lost parental figures.
This pleasing behavior in hopes of fulfilling a void from my generation and the woman who does her 20-something son’s weekly laundry has created the same entitled generation we so quickly complain about. It is not only our fault, but our parents fault, and the current generations fault. It is trans-generational neglect, abuse, and constant seeking for approval from others in hopes of fulfilling personal voids. These are the unconscious drives that aren’t being talked about. The unpleasing behavior and consequences are discussed, but not the underlying thoughts and feelings.
How do we stop this trans-generational abuse you ask? Well there are several avenues to take. One is seeking therapy with someone whom you trust and formed a close alliance with, another is journaling, support groups, and meditation and spiritual gatherings. Through one or more of these approaches, you can learn to love and care about others without hurting yourself, live without guilt or resentment, allow other people to solve their own problems, and live without the entanglement of obsessions and excessive worry.
To understand what exactly an enabler is, I will explain in the upcoming paragraphs. It is a person who appears powerless but seems to be controlling. It is a super responsible martyr. It is the woman who appears powerless over her son’s command of her to do his laundry even though she has a choice. Inside she is angry as she takes responsibility for everyone else’s actions but not her own.
I do it myself. I blame my parents for not reaching out to me but I can just as easily pick up the phone or send an email as they can. It brings feelings of importance and that I matter; the woman who does her son’s laundry is needed and self-righteous as she “jokingly” complains.
Without help, enablers unconsciously and harmfully facilitate codependent relationships. Codependency is an addiction to someone else’s problems. It is a painful pattern of dependency on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity.
Common traits of a codependent personality are preoccupation of another’s problems and verification of self-worth on others. Persons who are codependent have a soulful desire to be needed, flourish on pleasing others, lose their sense of self, have low self-esteem, and fear abandonment.
To understand what preoccupation of another’s problems is, look at your own thinking patterns. How much time and energy are you taking out of your day to “fix” a loved one? Do you thrive in crisis situations? Do you rush in to fix other people’s problems? Do you feel drained and complain that others are driving you crazy yet don’t do anything to change the situation? If you said “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you are probably codependent.
To understand what a soulful desire is to be needed looks like, look at your childhood history. Did you not get your needs met as a child? Did you settle for being needed instead of being loved for who you are? Do you tend to fall in love with people you can rescue? Do you feel purposeless and meaningless in the relationship and life? Do you not allow the sick or rescued individual to love you? Do you not feel unlovable? Again, if you answered “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you are probably codependent.
To recognize the behavior associated with the passion to please others, ask yourself; is my primary goal in a relationship to make someone else happy to the point of self-sacrifice? Do you have difficulty saying, “No”? Do you neglect your basic needs for love, friendship, and support from others? Do you have difficulty integrating a sense of accomplishment outside the realm of pleasing another? If you answered, “Yes” to anyone of these questions, you are probably codependent.
Do you lose your sense of self? Were you seduced into a destructive relationship and have disowned yourself? Do you suppress your desires, wants, and feelings or even know what they are? Are most of your actions in reaction to another’s? Do you settle for a compromised existence? If you answered, “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you are probably codependent.
Do you have low self-esteem? Do you seek love from others that do not have the capacity to love? Are you angry and disappointed after continually trying everything in your power to gain anything in return? Do you feel you are the problem and you just need to do more? Do you settle for a compromised existence? If you answered, “Yes” to anyone of these questions, you are probably codependent.
To understand what fearing abandonment looks like, ask yourself when was the last time you were able to survive on your own. Do you feel totally dependent on another? Are you cut off from outside support; i.e. friends, family, and peer groups. If you answered, “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you are probably codependent.
Now that you know something about codependency, don’t equate it to an all “bad” idea and existence. Within many cultures, codependency and reliance on family and friends is part of their culture and provides a continuous support system which is something we lack in America. Thus in a relational sense, codependency isn’t necessarily all ghastly, it’s a matter of being aware of internal thoughts and feelings and how they manifest external behavior, choices, and consequences.
