4 Strategies to Cope with Anger in A Healthy Way

Our world is in the midst of an emotional meltdown. People are restless, volatile, our tempers about to blow. Recently, a riveting Newsweek cover story, “Rage Goes Viral” described how from Tunisia to Egypt a wave of rage is rocking the world to create revolutions. Then there are the talk radio ranters, congressional incivility, and domestic terrorists such as the Arizona shooter. Rage is also prevalent in our daily lives: There’s road rage, office rage, supermarket rage, and even surfer’s rage. Why is rage so rampant? What is the solution?

In my book, “Emotional Freedom” I explore the differences between “good” and “bad” anger. Anger can be a healthy reaction to injustice such as cultures fighting to free themselves from repressive regimes. Anger rallies people. It creates energy and motivation to rebel against dysfunctional political or social systems. It also motivates groups to go on strike say, for higher, well-deserved wages or to defend human rights. On a personal level, anger can be good if it’s expressed in a focused, healthy way rather than using it as a weapon to punish or hurt others.

Your Body’s Reaction To Anger As a psychiatrist, I know that anger is intensely physical and can come from a primal place. Let’s say a colleague double-crosses you in a business deal. You feel angry. Your amygdala (the emotional center in the brain) stimulates adrenaline. You get an energy rush that rallies you to fight. Blood flows to your hands, making it easier to grasp a weapon. Your heart pumps faster. You breathe harder. Pupils dilate. You sweat. In this hyperadrenalized state, aggression mounts. You may raise your voice, point accusingly, stare him down, grimace, flail your arms around, verbally intimidate, barge into his personal space. Taken to an extreme, you could literally be driven to knock him out or beat him up. In a pure survival-oriented sense, you want to dominate and retaliate to protect yourself and prevent further exploitation. Anger is one of the hardest impulses to control because of its evolutionary value in defending against danger.

What factors make us susceptible to anger? One is an accumulation of built-up stresses. That’s why your temper can flare more easily after a frustrating day. The second is letting anger and resentments smolder. When anger becomes chronic, cortisol, the stress hormone, contributes to its slow burn. Remaining in this condition makes you edgy, quick to snap. Research has proven that anger feeds on itself. The effect is cumulative: each angry episode builds on the hormonal momentum of the time before. For example, even the most devoted, loving mothers may be horrified to find themselves screaming at their kids if they haven’t learned to constructively diffuse a backlog of irritations. Therefore, the powerful lesson our biology teaches us is the necessity of breaking the hostility cycle early on, and that brooding on the past is hazardous to your well-being.

For optimal health, you must address your anger. But the point isn’t to keep blowing up when you’re upset rather–it’s to develop strategies to express anger that are body-friendly. Otherwise, you’ll be set up for illnesses such as migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, or chronic pain, which can be exacerbated by tension. Or you’ll keep jacking up your blood pressure and constricting your blood vessels, which compromises flow to the heart. A Johns Hopkins study reports that young men who habitually react to stress with anger are more likely than their calmer counterparts to have an early heart attack, even without a family history of heart disease. Further, other studies have shown that hostile couples who hurl insults and roll their eyes when arguing physically heal more slowly than less antagonistic partners who have a “we’re in this together” attitude.

Still, repressing anger isn’t the answer either. Research also reveals that those who keep silent during marital disputes have a greater chance of dying from heart disease or suffering stress-related ailments than those who speak their minds.

Here are some strategies from “Emotional Freedom” to productively cope with anger in daily life.
4 Tips To Diffuse Anger

1. When you’re upset, pause, and slowly count to ten.
To offset the adrenaline surge of anger, train yourself not to lash back impulsively. Wait before you speak. Take a few deep breaths and VERY slowly, silently, count to ten (or to fifty if necessary). Use the lull of these moments to regroup before you decide what to do so you don’t say something you regret

2. Take a cooling-off period.
To further quiet your neurotransmitters, take an extended time-out, hours or even longer. When you’re steaming retreat to a calm setting to lower your stress level. Reduce external stimulation. Dim the lights. Listen to soothing music. Meditate. Do some aerobic exercise or yoga to expel anger from your system.

3. Don’t address anger when you’re rushed.
Make sure you have adequate time to identify what’s made you angry. A Princeton study found that even after theology students heard a lecture on the Good Samaritan, they still didn’t stop to help a distressed person on the street when they thought they’d be late for their next class. Thus, allotting unhurried time to resolve the conflict lets you tap into your most compassionate response.

4. Don’t try to address your anger when you’re tired or before sleep.
Since anger revs up your system, it can interfere with restful sleep and cause insomnia. The mind grinds. Better to examine your anger earlier in the day so your adrenaline can simmer down. Also being well rested makes you less prone to reacting with irritation, allows you to stay balanced.

The goal with anger is to own the moment so this emotion doesn’t own you. Then you can mindfully respond rather than simply react. You’ll have the lucidity to be solution oriented and therefore empower how you relate to others.

Judith Orloff
Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com

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Keeping Marital Secrets Closeted

By JANE ISAY

THIS summer, soon after gay marriage became legal in New York, my sons held a wedding for my former husband and his partner of over 30 years. The grandchildren were flower girl and ring bearers. The wedding thrust me back to the time when we faced a terrible choice and decided to stay married for the children. That’s what motivated my then husband and me to carry on our incomplete marriage for its last nine years, and that’s how we explained our actions after the divorce. It was a convenient truth, and also a self-serving one.

The year was 1980. I was waiting for my husband of 15 years to return from the last party of a psychiatry convention. I could hear voices from down the hall, happy men enjoying their time together. When he came in, his face was grave. He sat down on the bed and said, “I have something I need to tell you.” He took a deep breath. “I’m homosexual.” At that moment I saw my future collapse before my eyes. I got the chills and ran to take a hot bath. It gave me time to think and warmed me, but not for long. We spent the night talking and lamenting. On the plane home, we held each other and sobbed and planned. By the time we landed, we had decided to keep his sexual orientation a secret and stay married for the sake of the children.

Of course we both wanted to protect our sons, who were 10 and 14. Divorce was not uncommon then, but the circumstances surrounding our relationship were controversial and would have created a scandal in our small university town, so staying married for the children helped us both feel better about ourselves and our lies. We thought they didn’t notice any change, and we were mistaken. Secrets have a way of seeping into the atmosphere. Kids are natural observers. They watch parents like hawks, and they know when something is wrong, even if they don’t know what. I desperately wanted the charade to work at home — we were doing this for the children. So covering for my husband on his two nights a week out, and his two vacations a year became second nature — he was a busy man with many meetings.

I paid a price for my silence with my closest friends, because a secret of this magnitude builds barriers. I just couldn’t bear to show them the spot I was in. And I was leery of advice. When I felt so alone, I could always remind myself what a good person I was being, sacrificing for the children.

The other reasons for staying married were not so charming. If I had thought, I’m staying for the money, I might have questioned the lies I told my sons about where their father was on the nights he spent with his future husband. Or if he had thought, I’m staying to promote my career as a psychoanalyst, he might have felt a little heavy on the ambition scale. Or if we both had realized that we were just too scared to face the world alone, I might have given up some of the pretending, and he might have realized the gravity of his original secret.

But never mind. We had an explanation that made people admire us when we finally went public. Other truths might have evoked pity or suspicion: what’s the matter with her radar? How could she accept a half a marriage instead of a whole one? Who is she, really? To say we stayed married for the children put an end to uncomfortable questions.

If I had faced the other reasons to stay in the marriage, the burden of our lies would probably have been harder to bear. But the burden on our sons might also have been lightened. It’s not so great for kids to be told they are the cause of their parents’ behavior, especially when that’s only part of the story. When they finally learned the truth, our sons were more disturbed by our deception than by the facts. Our reasons didn’t seem to matter anymore. Truth trumps lies every time.

The phrase “we stayed married for the children” is like a silk duvet on a complicated and imperfect marriage bed. Nobody really wants to turn back the covers, the unhappy spouses least of all.

 

How Your Health Choices Can Change Your Genes

Alice G. Walton

Since researchers cracked the human genome some 10 years ago, we’ve had a heightened awareness of the importance of genetics in our risk for certain diseases and disorders, both mental and physical. Subsequent studies have continued to find connections between our genetic profiles and our likelihood of developing health problems, from breast cancer and heart attack to depression, obesity, and Alzheimer’s disease. Some people choose to undergo genetic tests to determine whether they carry copies of specific genes that put them at higher risk for various diseases. Knowing that one possesses copies of “cancer genes,” for example, can lead to some tough decisions about where to go from there.

“Our genes are modified by the choices we make every day – the foods we put in our bodies, the chemicals we are exposed to, how active we opt to be, and even our social environments.”

A bright spot, however, is that what’s also become clear in recent years is that genetics is only half of the discussion. Our lifestyles, as doctors are keen on telling us, are important in increasing or reducing our risk of various diseases. Research in the new field of epigenetics is finding that our lifestyle choices – the foods we put in our bodies, the chemicals we are exposed to, how active we opt to be, even our social environments – can actually alter our health at the level of the gene. These choices can have big effects on our risk for disease, even if our genes seem to be working against us. So before throwing your hands up and saying, “What can I do? It’s all up to my genes,” read on.

How Choices Can Change Molecules

Smoking is a familiar example of how our behaviors can affect our genes. We know smoking is linked to poor health outcomes. But how does this work molecularly-speaking? In this case, the carcinogens in cigarette smoke directly affect the molecules in our bodies, triggering the growth of cancer by mutating our anti-cancer genes so that they no longer function effectively.

But what’s found to be equally true is that the positive lifestyle choices we make – most notably, eating right and exercising – may have just as powerful an effect on our genetic makeup. Two recent studies illustrate this point. One found that eating well can “turn off” the genes that put one at higher risk for heart problems1; the other showed that exercise can persuade stem cells to become bone and blood cells rather than fat cells.(2) Each helps us see just how lifestyle variables work at the genetic level to modify our risk.

You (and Your Genes) Are What You Eat

In the first study, people who ate more raw fruits and vegetables had a reduced risk of heart disease, even if they carried copies of the gene that increases one’s risk for cardiovascular disease.(1) The researchers divided groups of participants according to the type of diet they ate. They dubbed the diets as follows: a typical “Western” diet included more salty and fried foods, meats, eggs, and sugar; the “Oriental” diet consisted of more soy, pickled foods, eggs, and leafy greens; and the ”Prudent” diet, contained more raw fruits and veggies, leafy greens, nuts, and dairy. People who were genetically at the very highest risk of having a heart attack (they had two copies of the specific genes associated with heart attacks) had about double the heart risk if they ate a diet lacking in fruits and vegetables, compared to people who ate a prudent diet.

The study illustrates vividly how eating well will not only help you feel better in an immediate way, but it could actually alter your genes and reduce risk to your heart in a long term way.

Exercise Can Sway the Fat(e) of Cells

Exercise is the other piece of advice that we hear over again. It is strongly linked to a variety of health benefits from heart and vascular health, to warding off Alzheimer’s, to extending lifespan. But now researchers are beginning to show that exercise may function, at least in part, by affecting the expression of our genes.

“Some of the impact of exercise is comparable to what we see with pharmaceutical intervention.”

Certain types of stem cells can “choose” how they differentiate, and exercise and environmental factors can actually determine the direction that cells take early in their development. When mice run on a treadmill for as little as an hour three times a week, the exercise induced these stem cells to become blood-producing cells of the bone marrow, rather than fat cells.

The stem cells of sedentary mice in this study were much more likely to become fat cells. “Some of the impact of exercise is comparable to what we see with pharmaceutical intervention,” says author Gianni Parise in a university press release. “Exercise has the ability to impact stem cell biology. It has the ability to influence how they differentiate.”

If exercise can influence how stem cells differentiate into mature cells, it is certainly possible that exercise also works on the genetic level as it influences our risk for certain diseases. More research will be needed to map out the molecular changes that exercise brings about. Again, since the evidence is overwhelming that exercise does reduce our risk for physical and mental health problems, it certainly won’t hurt to put on your walking shoes and get moving.

The Molecules that Affect Gene Activity
Much more work needs to be done to untangle the specific changes that are occurring in the genes exposed to different environments and lifestyles. Researchers do know that it’s not the genes themselves that are changed by lifestyle or environmental factors; rather, it’s likely the molecules around them, which can affect how active genes are.

“We are not completely at the mercy of our genes. In many ways, they are at the mercy of our health and lifestyle decisions and habits.”

Methylation is one example of the molecular changes that may occur in response to environmental factors, and there are other regulatory molecules that could certainly be affected by the foods we eat, the chemicals we come into contact with every day, the viruses we contract, and our level of activity. The addition or subtraction of a methyl group is known to be a cue for whether genes are turned off or on.

A recent study found that in sets of twins, one of whom suffered from schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, there were differences in how methylated certain disease-associated genes were between the two twins.(3) This suggests that for people who share identical genomes, the molecules around the genes may play an important role in whether certain diseases are present or not. Other studies have found similar results regarding methylation as a likely candidate for the changes that are occurring early in development as a result of exposure to the chemical additive BPA,(4) and in the buildup of amyloid-beta precursor protein in response to inflammation in Alzheimer’s disease.(5)

Be Kind to Your Genes

That our lifestyles can affect our genes in significant way is both sobering and encouraging. On one hand, our genes affect our health, since they can put us at varying levels of risk for health issues like heart disease, weight gain, and even depression. And on the other, our lifestyles also affect our health in significant ways at the level of the gene. Eating fruits and vegetables can “turn off” the heart attack genes, and exercise can sway the development of stem cells.

We are not completely at the mercy of our genes. In many ways, they are at the mercy of our health and lifestyle decisions and habits. Family history can be a strong predictor of disease, but we have at least some power to change it. Making healthy lifestyle choices may not be foolproof, but for many it could mean the difference between experiencing a significant health issue and avoiding it. So, your doctor’s advice is not just rote recitation. Pay attention to it with the knowledge that your genes are paying attention, too.

 

Self-Soothing, A Technique for Coping During Times of Stress and Anxiety

As I struggle to balance taking care of myself and letting a friend know during their troubled time that I care for them deeply, I contemplate balance, differentiation, and self-soothing.  These terms enter my mind as I want to ensure I love and care for others while taking care of my own needs.  I differentiate and free my friend to solve their own problems.  I liberate from guilt and resentment.  And we both learn to self-soothe.

The word balance came to mind as I want to remain independent, accomplish tasks that give me empowerment, a sense of achievement, and purpose as I take responsibility of my life. As I weigh the consequences of my actions, I contemplate the thoughts, “Am I being too independent?”, “Am I not being a good friend?”, “Am I being selfish?”, and “Am I doing the right thing?”

Pondering these questions, I notice my first reaction is that, “I am not selfish”, “I have shown my friend that I care by calling several times during the day to check-in”,and “I am creating healthy detachment so that both of us can take responsibility of our life and self soothe.”

So what is self-soothing?  Self-soothing is the act of taking responsibility for their own needs.  Self-soothing is techniques that provide personal comfort, have calming affects, and brings inner peace during times of turmoil.  They are self-supportive methods that help alleviate stress and anxiety.  There is no one size fits all mechanism for self-soothing.  As each person is unique, every individual has their own distinctive set of cognitions and behaviors that help alleviate pain.

Here is a list of several self-comforting techniques.  This is certainly not a complete list but a comprehensive list that may trigger more personable practices that help you when feeling down.

• Meditation

Find a comfortable position.  It can be sitting with your feet flat on the floor or lying down on your back.  Place your hands either comfortably across your lap or palms down on your thighs.  Relax your facial muscles; it doesn’t matter if your eyes are closed or open.  Do what feels right for you.

Now concentrate on the tip of your nose, feel the breath going in and out. Notice where the breath is going.  Is it focused in the chest or are you breathing deeply into your stomach? Notice how you are feeling in this relaxed state of mind and focusing on the breath, and placement in the body.  At every out-breath say out loud or silently a feeling that you want to rid of; i.e. anxiety.  And then on the in-breath say out loud or silently a feeling that you want to bring in; i.e. peace or harmony.

Continue breathing, noticing where the breath falls, and saying the words that you want to bring inward and exhale outward.  Maintain this exercise for a minimum of ten breathes. When you come at 10, notice how you are feeling.

Carry on the breathing mediation starting at 1 again. Focus attention on the tip of the nose, the lungs, stomach, and inner feelings. Maintain for 5 minutes.  Release the attention on the breath, the concentration on the tip of the nose, and notice how you are feeling now.

Here is a list of more self-soothing techniques.  Please feel free to add your own healthy coping skills.

• Enjoy an aromatherapy bath with calming essential oils such as lavender or rose oil.
• Take a walk in nature or a safe, secluded path.
• Schedule a massage.
• Engage in gardening.
• Call a friend.
• Exercise; i.e. ride a bike, go for a jog, weight lift; something that is more in tune with your body and not your mind.

Practicing these techniques can bring a sense of well-being and a peaceful state of mind during times of anxiety and stress.  They can bring a sense of connectedness to your inner being, spending quality time with yourself as you reflect your thoughts and feelings, noticing, accepting, and in the accepting, letting it go, and finally, to transform it.  These techniques can not only bring more inner peace, but they can help build better relationships where we are free from fusion and enmeshment and living more holistically and in balance.

 

It’s THAT Generation, They Have Such a Sense of Entitlement

“My son brings his laundry over.  It’s like five loads.  I don’t have time to do that, so I take it over to the dry cleaning.”  “Wow” I say… as I am thinking, why doesn’t she just make him do his own laundry?  And then she said, “Yeah, it’s that sense of entitlement in that generation.”  I agreed, but I also thought she is contributing to that attitude by enabling his behavior to continue.  It seems so easy to blame without looking how we are causative to the circumstances.

Don’t get me wrong.  She is an absolutely lovely woman; sweet, considerate, and laughed about the whole situation as we talked in the community laundry room.  She knows deep down the true essence of what is happening with the dynamics between her and her son, but it stems from her generation where her parents were busy working, emotionally unavailable, and required her to do chores as part of the household.   I know because I am from the same generation.

My parents worked hard, struggled financially, and disciplined me to clean the house for $5.00 a week.  It instilled values of working for my money, saving, and respect.  However I was so obedient in my efforts because I longed and hoped of receiving more of their time, attention, and love.  I was a pleaser, an enabler, looking for my emotionally lost parental figures.

This pleasing behavior in hopes of fulfilling a void from my generation and the woman who does her 20-something son’s weekly laundry  has created the same entitled generation we so quickly complain about.  It is not only our fault, but our parents fault, and the current generations fault.  It is trans-generational neglect, abuse, and constant seeking for approval from others in hopes of fulfilling personal voids.  These are the unconscious drives that aren’t being talked about.  The unpleasing behavior and consequences are discussed, but not the underlying thoughts and feelings.

How do we stop this trans-generational abuse you ask?  Well there are several avenues to take.  One is seeking therapy with someone whom you trust and formed a close alliance with, another is journaling, support groups, and meditation and spiritual gatherings.   Through one or more of these approaches, you can learn to love and care about others without hurting yourself, live without guilt or resentment, allow other people to solve their own problems, and live without the entanglement of obsessions and excessive worry.

To understand what exactly an enabler is, I will explain in the upcoming paragraphs.  It is a person who appears powerless but seems to be controlling.  It is a super responsible martyr.  It is the woman who appears powerless over her son’s command of her to do his laundry even though she has a choice.  Inside she is angry as she takes responsibility for everyone else’s actions but not her own.

I do it myself.  I blame my parents for not reaching out to me but I can just as easily pick up the phone or send an email as they can.  It brings feelings of importance and that I matter; the woman who does her son’s laundry is needed and self-righteous as she “jokingly” complains.

Without help, enablers unconsciously and harmfully facilitate codependent relationships.  Codependency is an addiction to someone else’s problems.  It is a painful pattern of dependency on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity.

Common traits of a codependent personality are preoccupation of another’s problems and verification of self-worth on others. Persons who are codependent have a soulful desire to be needed, flourish on pleasing others, lose their sense of self, have low self-esteem, and fear abandonment.

To understand what preoccupation of another’s problems is, look at your own thinking patterns.  How much time and energy are you taking out of your day to “fix” a loved one?  Do you thrive in crisis situations?  Do you rush in to fix other people’s problems?  Do you feel drained and complain that others are driving you crazy yet don’t do anything to change the situation?  If you said “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you are probably codependent.

To understand what a soulful desire is to be needed looks like, look at your childhood history.  Did you not get your needs met as a child?  Did you settle for being needed instead of being loved for who you are?  Do you tend to fall in love with people you can rescue?  Do you feel purposeless and meaningless in the relationship and life?  Do you not allow the sick or rescued individual to love you?  Do you not feel unlovable?  Again, if you answered “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you are probably codependent.

To recognize the behavior associated with the passion to please others, ask yourself; is my primary goal in a relationship to make someone else happy to the point of self-sacrifice?  Do you have difficulty saying, “No”?  Do you neglect your basic needs for love, friendship, and support from others? Do you have difficulty integrating a sense of accomplishment outside the realm of pleasing another?  If you answered, “Yes” to anyone of these questions, you are probably codependent.

Do you lose your sense of self?  Were you seduced into a destructive relationship and have disowned yourself?  Do you suppress your desires, wants, and feelings or even know what they are?  Are most of your actions in reaction to another’s?  Do you settle for a compromised existence?  If you answered, “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you are probably codependent.

Do you have low self-esteem?  Do you seek love from others that do not have the capacity to love?  Are you angry and disappointed after continually trying everything in your power to gain anything in return?  Do you feel you are the problem and you just need to do more?  Do you settle for a compromised existence?  If you answered, “Yes” to anyone of these questions, you are probably codependent.

To understand what fearing abandonment looks like, ask yourself when was the last time you were able to survive on your own.  Do you feel totally dependent on another?  Are you cut off from outside support; i.e. friends, family, and peer groups.  If you answered, “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you are probably codependent.

Now that you know something about codependency, don’t equate it to an all “bad” idea and existence.  Within many cultures, codependency and reliance on family and friends is part of their culture and provides a continuous support system which is something we lack in America.  Thus in a relational sense, codependency isn’t necessarily all ghastly, it’s a matter of being aware of internal thoughts and feelings and how they manifest external behavior, choices, and consequences.

 

All We Need is Just More Money, Right?— So We Think…

Money is the solution to all our problems. Or so we think. If we just had more money to pay the bills, put healthier food on the table, and aid struggling companies so that they can pay their employees and hire more. All we need is more money and all our problems will be solved. Right? Well I say wrong.

Throwing money at the injustice in the world is not going to solve the abuse illegal immigrants endear while in prison. Money is not going to solve the problems of a family who lost their mother to the immigration laws that took her away from the love of her life of 40 years and her college attending, American born daughter. Money is not going to solve the problems of an educated, single woman who lost all her confidence to an abusive relationship.

So you ask, well if money is not going to solve their problems, what is? A transformation in our government is going to solve all of their problems. How so? A revolution in our thinking, our psyche, our relationship to power, control, and money.

Our country has become materialistic, lazy, unforgiving of diversity, and has a sense of entitlement. The tech boom brought overnight success to young, ambitious entrepreneurs that soon became cocky in their quick achievement and that everything else should come just as easy. It affected all of society, from individual stock investors, to money hungry mongrels like Goldman Sachs, and everyone in between.

Wealthy, pompous, Wall Street has puppeted naive politicians who are eager to make their stance in our society not necessarily for the people but for a name in history, prestige, and power. Wall Street continually hungered for more money and power and used their resources to gain more. The more money one had, the more control and power they entailed. Whatever got in their way, got crushed. That’s just one of the many problems with our relationship to money and power.

Our economy has paid a BIG price. The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. Middle America is slowly diminishing along with their self-worth, ambition, and faith in the American dream. We have become cynical and blame it on anyone we can get our hands on. The one’s who suffer are the very ones who are doing the blaming. We blame immigrants. They are taking all our jobs, we blame Wall Street, and we blame politicians. Everyone is pointing a finger at someone else and not taking responsibility for their own behavior. In the end, we are all suffering.

This brings me back to the revolution that needs to occur within American society. We have become lazy and have a sense of entitlement without looking internally at our own actions. We are quick to judge and are unlikely to look within and ask, “What can I do to better my situation?” How can I be proactive in my life? How can I make a difference?

We have the philosophy that if we lower taxes and make the rich pay more then there will be more money and then more jobs will automatically appear as companies feel more secure to hire employees. The problem is money will not change the attitude of Wall Street, politicians, and American society. What will? A sense of community, social support, encouragement, and personal confidence in our own character. We start to look at humans as human beings again. We treat each other with respect, and not respect out of fear because of the gun in my hand but because of who we are; our dignity, honor, and value. Every person has their own unique gift that can be utilized and America can return to that once prosperous, free-spirited, welcoming country where liberated thinking is hailed and opportunity exists. This philosophy is present; it’s just a matter of changing our psyche and priorities. Thus money is not the answer, humble community support and reverence of spirit is.

 

Relational Boundaries

Boundaries are a process of deciding on and setting emotional and physical needs and limits that protects our personal value system and relational tolerances and acceptances.   Boundaries are tested when our identity, values, self-worth, and safety are threatened.  Boundaries are unlike defenses in that defense mechanisms are unconscious drives to protect our core being.  Boundaries are conscious coping choices to take responsibility and care for our self and what we value.

When wise, self-caring boundaries are set in a relationship, we are able to love and care for others without hurting ourselves and we are given freedom to live without excessive guilt or resentment.  As healthy boundaries manifest, the process may encourage and motivate people around us to solve their own problems.

When appropriate boundaries are not set, we run the risk of becoming either too detached from or too dependent upon others.  Negative consequences of infused or enmeshed boundaries are excessive worry and preoccupation, obsessive attempts to control, emotional reactivity and dependency, care taking, rescuing, and enabling.

In communicating compassionate, skillful boundaries, think of this three-part test; Is what I am about to say True?…Kind?…and…Helpful?  The way in which language is spoken is important because true, kind, and helpful speech alleviates suffering rather than intensifying pain.

Practicing mindfulness helps determine if what you are about to endear is within your personal value system.  Stop, look within, notice, listen, and assess how you feel at the moment, both in body and in mind.  During this time as you are checking in with yourself you may ask:

How do I feel in this situation? How am I going to feel afterward?  Is this within my values?  Is this helpful to me now?  Is it true to me?  Ask yourself if the language or action you are about to engage in is true to your true identity and values. Are you going to say or do something because of social pressure or to impress others? Is what you’re about to say or do kind and helpful to yourself?

These factors often involve looking at the timing. Maybe what we’re considering (e.g., inviting guests for dinner) meets the test of true, kind, and helpful to others, but given the limitations imposed by our health, it’s time to set a self-caring boundary because we’re not well enough to expend the energy it takes to engage with others. By not engaging in speech or action that violates our values, we are, in effect, saying “no” to ourselves—”no” to speech or action that will intensify our own suffering.

A Buddhist fable explains the importance of setting boundaries through a short story about an acrobat and his assistant. The acrobat erected a bamboo pole and told his assistant to climb up it and stand on his shoulders. Then the acrobat said to his assistant: “Now you watch after me and I’ll watch after you. This way we can show off our skill and come down safely from the pole.”

But the assistant replied: “That won’t do teacher. You watch after yourself and I’ll watch after myself and in that way we can show off our skill and come down safely from the pole.”

The Buddha said: “What the assistant said is right in this case because when one watches after oneself, one watches after others.”

Understanding how to do your best for others means surveying yourself and determining if saying “no” or “not now” will help everyone presently.  Mindfulness can help you assess whether what you’re about to say or do is accurate, kind, and supportive to yourself and others.

 

One Woman’s Perspective on her Sex Addiction and Recovery

Published on May 11, 2011 by Samantha Smithstein, Psy.D. in What The Wild Things Are

The  following is an interview with a woman who self-identified as being in  recovery from a sex addiction.  She is in her 40′s, professional, and  married with children.  She asked to remain anonymous for the sake of  her privacy; she used the pseudonym “Nora.”  I asked her about her  addiction and about being a woman and sex addict.  I began by asking her  to describe her sexual addiction:

Dr. S: How would you describe your sex addiction?

Nora: At this point in my recovery, many previous problematic  behaviors have dropped away, leaving only the core of my addiction -  which started in early childhood – masturbation with disturbing fantasy.   So in describing my sex addiction, I would say that I have been able  to let go of all my problem behaviors without great difficulty but  struggled to achieve abstinence with masturbation with those  fantasies.  I am currently sober and have been for some time, one day at  a time.   My addiction started in early childhood, and later was  obscured by the acting-out I was doing with men.  But it was all deeply  influenced by the control and rage-based fantasy world which started in  my childhood.

// Dr. S:  How did you know it was an addiction?

Nora: I was unable to stop my behaviors on my own.  I would  make promises to myself to stop having one-night stands, unprotected sex  and falling in desperation (love) with unavailable men.  I would be in  one desperate relationship, and cheat on that person, intrigue with  other men, or cheat on him in my fantasies, and go from one bad  situation to the next – from my teens until my late 20′s.  I started  therapy because I was terribly unhappy, and early-on in treatment my  therapist told me to go to Al Anon because I had a family history and  relationship history being with others who struggled with alcohol and  drugs.  I began understanding I was a co-dependent but I wasn’t able to  yet accept my own sex and sex and love addiction issues.

Dr. S.: What made you accept that you were powerless over it/that it was an addiction?

Nora: Accepting my powerlessness has come in stages in my sex  addiction recovery.  About a year or so into individual therapy my  therapist, who had already told me to go to Al Anon, next told me I  needed to go to SAA [Sex Addicts Anonymous].  I was angry and refused.   I am surprised that somehow I didn’t quit therapy.  But later I was a  bit more open because I could see my inability to stop acting-out  sexually and with love addiction.  I hit bottom.  Prior to my bottom, I  was sure I had met the love of my life: a seminary student who was  moving out of the country in a week.  I was certain I would be able to  convince him to stay and be with me!  When he left and I never heard  from him again I came crashing down.  I remember looking around and  seeing natural beauty, and happy people, and I was miserable.  I  remember thinking that I had to quit these behaviors and get a grip.  I  went into to therapy deeply humbled and told my therapist I was going to  go to SAA meetings.

Dr. S.: What made you feel like you needed recovery?  What did you do for recovery?

Nora: I went to SAA.  Unfortunately I didn’t continue to go to  Al Anon.  I didn’t understand at the time the struggle I had with  co-dependency was as serious as my sex addiction problem.  I was still  confused and thought that now that I was in SAA that would take care of  everything.  Of course it didn’t and later I realized a lot of my  inability to get completely sober in SAA was because I wasn’t working on  my co-dependency.  After a while I returned to Al Anon and remain in  both programs now.  I am not in AA but I understand from AA friends who  also go to Al Anon they consider themselves “double winners”.  I hope  that is true for me as well.

Dr. S.: What have you come to understand are the origins of your sex addiction?

Nora: I believe that its origin was in my early childhood.  I  was raised by two parents both with significant mental illness.  My  mother had a severe anxiety disorder and my father struggled with  depression and rage.  There was a tremendous amount of tension, rage,  and fear present at all times in my family.  My father had been a war  veteran and it was only later in his life that I suspected he likely had  PTSD.  He was also a high functioning alcoholic.  He was terribly  violent and for some strange reason, I took on the role of standing up  to him and often bearing the brunt of his violence while no one in the  family stepped-in or defended me from it.  So I was an extremely angry,  fearful, and anxious kid.  I think my anger saved me but it became  eroticized and the root of my sex addiction.  I had all this anger  directed at wanting to save my mother and defeat my father.   I was  never going to let a man or anyone have power over me and I was never  going to let anyone’s anxiety intrude on me – at least that was my power  fantasy, which of course isn’t – and wasn’t – reality.  I wanted to  have power over men and women.  And in my mixed up thinking thought I  could do that sexually.  Unfortunately my concern about power was not  just with men but in all areas of my life and these issues kept me from  being close and intimate with family, friends, and my partner.  At its  root, I was terrified of intimacy.  My “savior” anger has probably at  the same time turned out to be my worst enemy.  It remains a central  part of my recovery work today.

Dr. S.: What made your recovery different as a woman than  it would be for a man?  Why do you think more women don’t get help for  their sex addiction?

Nora: I think that some of the differences have been that  there are far more men in [SAA] meetings than women.  There have been  more women who identify with the “love addiction” side of things and  sometimes I feel they don’t recognize that “love addiction” is often  eroticized fantasy of power and that has to do with sex as well.  I  sometimes feel isolated and alone, and that there still is as much  social stigma about women being sex addicts as there has been  historically about women being open about having sex.  “It’s just not  done.”  I see all the statistics that show women are becoming addicted  to internet porn in larger and larger numbers, but I am not seeing these  women in my meetings.  It makes me sad.  I have seen a tremendous  increase in attendance in the conference call, women-only meetings but  perhaps that still suggests we women are afraid to go to face to face  meetings?  I am glad for the support of the conference call meetings.

Dr. S.: Have you had any relapses?  How do you think about relapse?

Nora: If you are referring to my inner-circle, or bottom-line  behaviors, I have had no slips in areas such as sex outside of my  relationship, affairs, and intrigue.  But I have had slips with  masturbation and fantasy.  Sometimes I understand the slips and  sometimes I have to work to get it.  I have done a fair amount of  therapy and work the 12-steps and understand that I have to practice my  program, one day at a time.  I don’t believe I can promise never to have  a relapse, and that is not about having one foot out the door or making  excuses.  But I think with regards to my core sex addiction, if I stop  taking care of myself and/or stop working my program, I can find myself  in trouble.  Sometimes I feel I am in my addiction even though I am not  acting-out.  This is when I have lost my grip on the “here and now,” and  I confuse where I am powerless and where I have power.  If I think I  can deal with my addiction or stress by myself, then I am in trouble.  I  know I am powerless over addiction, so one day at a time makes me more  responsible to do everything I can do to stay honest and work the steps  and choose to bear the hard stuff that I used to act-out over.

 

Interests and Behaviors in Sexuality

Sexuality between consenting adults is a natural and healthy experience and expression of sexual involvement.  It is important to view sexuality positively; respecting and accepting  diverse values and beliefs.  Individuals, communities, and society reap great benefits when  attitudes of tolerance and acceptance of sexual preference is openly discussed.  Internal and external peace are exuberant and social connection harmonizes.

Attractions, desires, fantasies, and life choices vary from person to person and understanding the fluidity of the life cycle and personal choices can unite us.

Sexual preference transforms in various forms such as heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, fluid, and queer.  There are also several types of sexual activity and classifications; for instance sexual intercourse, oral sex, mutual masturbation, S&M, bondage, and tantric.    These identities are valid and completely normal.  It is just as typical to be attracted to both genders, engage in heterosexual and homosexual activity as it is to be attracted to just one gender.  It’s a matter of genetics, personality, personal choice, and can even change over time.  It is fluid and evolves as we change throughout our lifetime.  It is an individual predilection and genetic make-up that cannot be affected by the influence of others.

Sexual identity naturally changes as our drive and desire transforms as much as humans logically change over time.  It is dependent on our psyche, life experiences, self exploration, belief systems and personal acceptance.  What attracts us and arouses us is extremely variable. At various stages in one’s life, a person may identify as heterosexual, only to get to a point later in life where they can acknowledge that they are also attracted to members of their own gender. At that point, they may decide to identify as bisexual.

Similarly, someone who has identified as gay might discover that they are attracted to someone of another sex, and their self-identification may change because of their experience. It is common and not strange or uncanny to change sexual identity.  Sexual attraction is a personal endeavor and cannot be converted or influenced by anyone else.  Biology, physiology, and psychology components make it difficult to change an individual’s sexuality.  Gay or lesbian sexual orientations cannot be transformed to heterosexual and vice versa.

Sexual studies have proven that people’s sexual attractions and sexual identification cannot be changed by peer or societal pressure. It is an assumption that everyone is born heterosexual, and that it takes an experience with someone who is already gay, lesbian or bisexual to “convert” a person to being gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Many gay, lesbian, and bisexuals are aware that they have non-heterosexual attractions from the age of three with no adaptation or sexual experiences necessary.

Bisexuality is having the ability to find people of more than one sex attractive.  It’s the capability of being attracted sexually and/or romantically to members of more than one sex. You don’t need to have had sex with someone of the opposite sex to be a heterosexual, or to have had sex with someone of the same sex to know you are a homosexual – you just know what you like and what you find attractive. If you know that you find people of more than one sex to be eye-catching and sexy, you may call yourself bisexual, whether or not you ever have sex with partners of more than one sex.  It’s all a matter what we accept about ourselves and our willingness to express it within our community or to society. Bisexuality is also varied in terms of attractiveness.  Some people find themselves equally attracted to men and women, but many bisexuals find that they are more attracted to people of their own sex, or more attracted to people of another sex. It’s a matter of identifying what group or particular community; straight/heterosexual or queer/homosexual you can relate to most.   The attraction to one or more genders is proportioned differently for each person and can change with time as well. A person may be attracted to one sex forty percent of the time, and members of another sex sixty percent of the time when they are sixteen and then change at the age of thirty-five to seventy-five percent and twenty-five percent.   Bisexuality is not an excuse or a prerogative to have sex with whomever and whatever you want at any given opportunity.  Bisexuals are not sex fiends and just as normal in their sexual frequency as homosexuals, heterosexuals and other Trans identity.

Bisexuals may even be celibate.   Bisexuals in conjunction with any other kind sexual identity have a variety of kinds of relationships over the course of their lives; from one-night-stands to long-term, committed relationships, and they are just as likely to be responsible, loving, faithful partners as anyone else.   Bisexuality doesn’t mean you must have a male and a female partner to feel fulfilled. While some feel best in unconventional relationships where they have more than one partner of whatever sex or gender; it’s not a requirement for being bisexual.  Bisexuals have the same feelings and emotions as all humans.  Persons who consider themselves bisexual bond, fall in love, and have committed relationships.  And like everyone else, bisexuals are capable of being fulfilled or unfulfilled in their relationships dependent on the health of the relationship. Being bisexual doesn’t mean you are hiding the fact you really are gay or lesbian.  It’s still as difficult to pass or identify yourself as gay, bisexual or transgender in our society.  Heterosexuality is falsely accepted as the norm.

People of bisexual nature are not the same as individuals who consider themselves straight.  It may be confusing at times to see a person romantically involved with a person of the same sex and then a few months or years later romantically involved with a person of the opposite sex.   There shouldn’t be an automatic assumption that same-sex partners are gay and a bisexual person with an opposite-sex partner is straight.  A bisexual person doesn’t change their identity from gay or lesbian to heterosexual, they are bisexual consistently.

Having sex with a person of the same sex, doesn’t mean you are gay or bisexual.   The way you choose to identify yourself is up to you. The only person who can determine personal labels is you.

Be realistic and truthful about what that may mean for you in terms of knowing how to have safer sex with someone of the same sex as you.  Bisexuality is not the determent to spreading STI/HIV/AIDS because people of such orientation have sex with homosexuals and heterosexuals.   Sexual preference is not the culprit; unprotected sex with infected partners and passing it to an uninfected partner is the origin of the problem.  It is the responsibility of each person to be honest, conscientious and make healthy sexual choices.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD consists of characteristics that many people experience in various times of their life.   As you read this article, you may feel you have tendencies toward borderline personality disorder.  It is natural and not warrant to diagnosis.  If you think it is more than just a phase , seek a professional, licensed psycho-therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist.  It is never wise to self diagnose and just as a newly diagnosed, cancer patient may seek a second opinion, it is adviceable to do the same.  The purpose of this article is to educate, inform, and broaden awareness, not diagnose or treat.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)-IV, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five or more of the following:

1.  Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3. Unstable self-image or sense of self
4. Impulsivity and self-damaging behavior (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. Marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

People who have BPD report a history of abuse, neglect, and separation as a child.  They have an insecure sense of self; frequent changes in jobs and turbulent relationships.  When they feel threatened they lash out with retaliatory responses, self-mutilation, and self-sacrifice, even at the expense of self or others.

Attitudes towards family, friends, or loved ones can change from admiration to devaluation with intense anger or dislike.

BPD are driven by such defense mechanisms as splitting, projection, and projection identification, omnipotent denial, and magical thinking.  The borderline personality is dominated by shame/ blame defenses and persecutory, abandonment, and annihilation anxieties.

BPD have been shown to have abnormalities in the brain that control aggression and impulsivity.

BPD makes up at least 2% of the general population.

BPD comprises 20% of the inpatient psychiatric populace.

BPD makes up 11% of the outpatients in the mental health system.

An estimated 10% of BPD patients die by suicide (Source YouTube)

A mnemonic for BPD is PRAISE:

P – Paranoid ideas

R – Relationship instability

A – Angry outbursts, affective instability, abandonment fears

I – Impulsive behavior, identity disturbance

S – Suicidal behavior

E – Emptiness

BPD can be treated successfully with the proper therapeutic alliance.  It takes time, consistency, and stability in the relationship so the BPD can form trust.

Dialectical behavior Therapy  is a comprehensive individual or group approach that was created specially to treat BPD.  The modality teaches the client how to take better control of their lives, emotions, and themselves through self-knowledge, emotion regulation, and cognitive restructuring.

BPD encompasses many characteristics that people feel during different stages of their life.   It is a debilitating disorder but there is available treatment and healing with the help of a professional therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist.  There is a better way to live and many resources are available online, mental health organizations, and school systems.