Love

What is love and how do we know if we feel it for someone else?  I finally broke down and said “I love you too” to CY, but felt in my head that I wasn’t quite sure.  Do I really love CY?  As I walked today I thought about love and how it is formed with images in your head of tiny experiences and visions in your head.  The more often, frequent, consistency of happy images and visions that remain in your mind formulate a lasting likeness and eventually love prevails.  Or it can be a train wreck and hits you on top of the head unknowingly as the case between music man and I.

Love is a feeling of intense attraction that can be one of the most amazing in the entire world. It starts with lust, attraction and then a commitment.  The emotions associated with love are blissful, and there are times when they can really hurt. In the end, love is something most of us, if not all of us, will encounter. While there are many different ways to define love and there are many different ways to love someone (or even yourself), here is a general guide to loving from WikiHow.

Steps

1. Say it. When you say the words, “I love you” with conviction, meaning and action.  They should carry with them the desire to show someone that you love them, not what you simply want to feel. When you say it, make sure you really mean it and are willing to do anything for that special person.
2. Empathize. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Rather than impose your own expectations or attempt to control them, to understand how they feel, where they come from, and who they are. Realize how they could also love you back just as well.
3. Love unconditionally. If you cannot love another person without attaching stipulations, then it is not love at all, but deep-seated opportunism (one who makes the most of an advantage, often unmindful of others). If your interest is not in the other person as such, but rather in how that person can enhance your experience of life, then it is not unconditional. If you have no intention of improving that person’s life, or allowing that person to be themselves and accepting them as they are, and not who you want them to be, then you are not striving to love them unconditionally.
4. Expect nothing in return. That doesn’t mean you should allow someone to mistreat or undervalue you. It means that giving love does not guarantee receiving love.  Try loving just for the sake of love. Realize that someone may have a different way of showing his or her love for you; do not expect to be loved back in exactly the same way.
5. Realize it can be lost. If you realize that you can lose the one you love, then you have a greater appreciation of what you have.  Think of how lucky you are to have someone to love. Don’t make an idol of the person you love. This will place them under undue pressure and will likely result in you losing them.
6. Never stop loving. Even if you have been hurt before you should not stop giving love.

Grocery Shopping versus Sex

I drove to CB’s house tonight on a spontaneous whim.  I was on my way to the grocery store and on my list of items to pick up was to call him.  He asked me to come by his house and I thought, why not, that’s much more exciting than the grocery store.  I quickly turned back around to get my audio-recorder and off I went in his direction.

As I drove along I thought I would call a few other guys on my list to set up dates.  I was all excited about getting a cock into my pussy that my excitement radiated through the phone as I spoke to another prospect and set a date.  He told me he felt in a better mood just from talking to me.  I was just happy and full of life.  I was being pro-active with my desires and it made for a better day and mood.  My earlier plan was to go to the grocery store and then sit home and watch a movie.  Why sit home when you have options to go out and take a bite out of life?  There will always be plenty of time for movies at home.

I arrived within forty minutes and he was waiting outside his house with a rock hard cock protruding his pants.  It was very exciting to arrive and have him stun me with his kisses and to feel his hard dick in his front driveway.  We quickly went inside where he picked me up and placed me on his bed.  He were passionately engulfed each other and felt the spontaneity of the moment but in the back of my head I knew the recorder was in my purse on the kitchen counter and I needed to get it into the bedroom.  I had to suspend the hot spontaneity for the moment and excuse myself to the restroom as an excuse to quickly grab my purse and place it on his dresser before I went into his bathroom.

I came out of the bathroom and recovered by undressing as fast as I could.  He was laid upon his bed completely undressed still with a hard dick pointing in the air.  I got on top of him and kissed his full lips and intertwined our tongues.  He turned me around and started to lick my clit.  I tried to position myself so that I could put his cock in my mouth.  He said, oh let’s do “69” and positioned my ass by his face as he licked my clit and fingered my wet pussy.  I wrapped my mouth around his big, hard cock moving it up and down his shaft while playing with his balls.

I couldn’t resist the temptation of his cock any longer so I finally got up, he put his legs closer together, and I sat down as his dick slipped easily into my pussy.  I rode up and down his shaft with my back to him.  He got to see my ass rise up and down and his rock hard cock dart in and out as my pussy swallowed it whole.  I kept fucking him until I came.  I knew it looked exciting to him from that angle and held on to my ass as I did all the work.  I rode up and down from the base to the head until I came and came again.

After a bit of this he couldn’t hold it back any longer and let his hungry cock spurt his creamy load of cum into my wet and lusty pussy.  He came hard as I played with his balls.  I got so excited about feeling his cum filling my pussy I came and then once more.  He had such a huge load of cum for me and I got so excited feeling it all unload in my pussy.  He remained hard enough so that I could squeeze all his juices out and cum myself.  It gets me wet again to think of the cum still left in my pussy.  I notice my lips are quite pink and my pussy is still wet with the remains of his load in me.  I venture my finger inside and marvel at how slick and warm it is inside me. It is beyond exciting.

We lay on his bed and talked with joyous rapture as we both react to the endorphins roaming in our heads.

Random Thoughts

Today I woke up in a bad mood because I am conflicted between two guys. I have been dating music man for over a year now and CY for four months.  I am irritated with music man because I feel he is training me to be just like him; an aggressive, disconnected manipulator.  Don’t get me wrong, there are many good aspects to music man otherwise I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him.  I just want to see him more and share our lives.   I think he works too much and it’s deteriorating his health. I don’t know; time will only tell what will happen to us, his career and health.

I am nervous that my project will not work and I will have to re-enter the work force doing something I am unhappy in again.  I really want to succeed as an entrepreneur and I have grand hopes for myself.

The more I continue the design of my web site; I waffle between focusing solely on being a Web Designer or a Life Coach.  I could possibly combine the two projects, but I am having a hard time deciding where my focus should remain.

Life Coaching is new and foreign to people, they are intrigued to learn more but not to the point and willingness to pay money.  As a Web Designer, I can use my creativity and my organizational skills and more people are willing to pay for the Web product than personal development.  It is a subject my mind is indecisive about and unable to make a concrete decision.  It causes me great stress.

I also continue being confused about men.  I am not sure if I even want to have anything to do with them on a relationship level.  I am fed up with continued struggles and disappointments.

Today I also took the last pill of my birth control packet so my thoughts may be out of proportion of their reality.  They certainly are more negative than normal.  I know there is validity to my thoughts, but they are also heightened during PMS.

I continued my day pondering my thoughts and at the end I came to the conclusion I had a good day, but I am still left without answers to my questions.

Life is so interesting.  It is a constants fluctuation of emotions and perspectives.  You never know what you are going to hear from some one else and how you will innately react.  You think you want one thing at one moment and then when you have it your not sure if you want what you thought you wanted.

For example, I wanted more of a closer relationship to music man.  Closer is the key word because it is a feeling.  I wanted to feel closer to music man than what I was getting.  I didn’t want a monogamous relationship, but I wanted to see him more.  I always felt in conflict and the constant turmoil in my head was upsetting so much that it affected everything in my life. Now the tables have turned and CY is want just the same from me, but I am conflicted once again not sure if I can handle such a relationship.

An interesting point to the matter is the subject of children.  Music man thinks and has told me on a repeated basis that I don’t have the patience for children and he doesn’t think I will ever say, consciously want to have a child now.  CY on the other hand, thinks and has told me that I would make a wonderful mother because I am so pure and am able to emotionally connect to others so easily.  So there are two perspectives on one subject that completely conflict one another.  It is left to me to decide which one makes sense to me.  I have agreed with both of them and see their point of view.  At times I will think more like music man probably when my mood isn’t feeling quite patient and at other times I feel like I would make a wonderful mother just for the same reasons CY mentioned.

So the point is, I don’t think anyone knows consciously when is the ‘right’ time in your life to commit to a relationship and when is the ‘right time to have children if you so choose to even have either one.  When do you take the plunge and just go for it?  What holds a person back from just engaging?  Aren’t we supposed to just live in the moment and enjoy.  So what if there are a few mistakes, you roll with the punches.

I think it is innately human to want something we can’t have.  As one person in a relationship is unattainable, the other wants to tame them.  When they are available and ready to commit, it is too late.  So what is the answer?  I think it is all a matter of taking a chance and letting go.  That’s free will, but in free will there can be a lot of loss and that’s what we are afraid of essentially.

A peaceful relationship is the knowledge to know that the other person has the ego and the mental ability to understand that fucking someone else is just physical.  Having the knowledge to know that and let the person to be free to choose will ultimately bring the person back and they will only want that one person whom they feel emotionally connected and bonded to with the mental capacity to let the person go.  That’s when the relationship is whole.

Conversative to Free-Spirited

Tonight was a good night because I was able to plant a seed in a conservative mind and hopefully have a willing, able, and less shocked person for next time.  I also got a couple of orgasms in with a more willing and able cock.

To begin the night, I met a guy for the first time at a local bar and then brought him back to my place.  I was able to fully undress him and myself but still was unsuccessful.  I shocked him with my aggressiveness and willingness to relinquish my sexual desires.  However, he was not mentally prepared for such an open, evolved woman.

If all else fails, I opened his mind and made him think.  He understood the irrational conflict in his head between wanting and achieving sex now (living in the moment) versus the conventional, social distortions’ of society.

I stunned his mind, but his dick still got hard.  He said he will be prepared next time and ready for action.  In other words, his mind will catch up to his body’s reaction.

I attached the file just because it is comical.  I hope you can hear all that is said.

Since the Scottish guy couldn’t bear the thought of having sex on the first date, I called another friend.  He soon came over and I challenged him not to wear a condom this time.

I was able to salvage the night with a fuck on the fly.  Good thing I had a back-up because I knew the Scottish were conservative.  He came over quickly after I sent him a text message that I was free from my “friends” and available.

Within half an hour he was at my house.  I opened the door to my apartment with just my bra and panties.  He swung me around and held me against the back of the front door and we instantly kissed.  He wanted me bad.

He took control and asked me to take his cock in my mouth.  I squatted to my knees still against the front door and sucked his hard cock from the head to the base and all along his shaft.  He loved it as he said, “Yeah, baby, suck that cock” in his most manly of voices.  I chuckled in my head as he tried to reveal his testosterone and manhood with his forceful attitude.

After I mouthed his hard dick, I moved him to the bedroom and got him to strip instantly.  I watched on the bed as I quickly took off my panties and bra.  He stood there naked as his walked his hard dick toward me.

I put his cock in my mouth one more time and he tried to finger me as I sucked and licked his dick, but I said, “I’d rather have it inside me.”  He attempted to be forceful and move me toward the middle of the bed as I eased myself toward the center with the gentleness of his helpful hands on my hips.

After getting the head of his dick wet with saliva per my instruction, he was able to easily slip into my wet pussy.  I asked him to go as deep as he could and hit the bottom of my pussy.  I coached him to take long, deep strokes as that ensures the deepest penetration and makes me cum.

Once he followed my directions, I came.  I got his dick so wet with my juices as I squeezed him with my orgasm.  I got him to sit on his knees so that I could position my legs on his shoulders and told him to position his pelvis toward me.  I moved my body up and down as his round head hit the bottom of my pussy.  I came again and then he came.

I didn’t even know he came and was disappointed he didn’t tell me.  Quite frankly I wanted more;  a longer cock to be honest but sometimes beggars’ can’t be choosers.  I got one and I am happy for the night.

As we snuggled and caressed each other’s skin, he said, “I think like he does; having an orgasm at the end of the day makes the day seem all that much brighter. If it was a bad day, suddenly it is a good day.  If it was a good day, suddenly it was an absolutely fabulous day!”  I couldn’t agree more.

Quote

Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.  ~Carl Gustav Jung (1875 – 1961)

Great Quote

“The relinquishing of judgmentalism greatly increases the capacity of Love, as does surrendering the wanting of anything from others. Thus, people are not perceived according to what they have or do but by appreciation for what they have become.”

~ “Transcending the levels of consciousness” – subtitle, The stairway to enlightenment. written by: David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.

Mr. Back-up

At the last minute I set up a date with a guy from an online-dating service.  I originally planned to meet a guy I met at a local bar last Thursday, but he flaked on me.  Good thing I had a back-up plan.

I met Mr. Back-up at the Ritz Carlton which I chose purposely because it is close to my house and it seemed to fit his profile since he mentioned another fancy hotel but further away.

He tried to impress me with his resume as I called it.  He said he lived in this one particularly nice part of town in his profile, but come to find out he actually lives with his mother in another County.

While at the bar, we talked and I could tell he was holding back.  I opened many opportunities for him to slide many sexual comments into the conversation.  I was bold enough to state the obvious. He said, I am trying to remain a gentleman.” As I later learned it’s his conservative point of view that holds him back.

I asked, “What is a gentleman?”  Of course, there was no response.  Men are so funny in that manner.  He commented on remaining a mystery as if trying to play the proper rules of “dating”.  I said.  “There is no fun in mystery.” and thought he was hiding something. He was trying to play the role of a man always in control, but has no control what so ever in his life as I continued to learn more.

At the end as he was hinting that he wanted to see me again, I asked, “Why end it here? and invited him back to my place.  I told him, “I have this great view!” thinking “me” as the view not the boats nearby.

He took me up on my offer and while we waited for our cars to arrive from the Valet attendant, we briefly kissed.

We drove back to my place and passionately kissed outside my apartment building.  I was thinking I am ready to end the nonsense and games and enter the real arena of feasting on each other’s bodies.

We made it up to my place.  We kissed with even more vigor this time and I got excited in the anticipation of what may lye ahead.

I was able to escape to the restroom and enter my bedroom to turn-on the audio-recorder.  Once finished, I came out and we proceeded where we left off; kissing.

He directed me to the couch with his kiss.  He sat down as I stood atop him as our mouths were attached.  I began to unbutton his shirt, but thought the bedroom would be more comfortable and guided him there.

We arrived in the bedroom, lip-locked.  He finally took off his jacket and I completed unbuttoning his shirt and took off my shirt and bra.  I got quite the reaction so I knew instantly it had been awhile since he had seen a woman naked at least live and in person.

He said he moved from Minnesota in January so, yes it has been awhile.    As we kissed some more and I felt in his pants that his cock was still soft, I knew instantly he had issues.  This needed major action.

I increased my efforts and kissed his neck, quickly down the side of his abdomen and got his soft cock out of his locked belt, jeans, and boxers.  I put his still soft dick in my mouth as I sucked it and moaned in hopes my excitement would get his cock hard.

I continued to express my lust with the vibration of my voice as I sucked and persistently hoped he would get hard, but nothing; just a soft cock.  I could tell he was thinking this is wrong.  He followed the rule; ‘you don’t fuck on the first pre-date.’

I still continued and got on top of him.  We kissed more as I whimpered long, low sounds to arouse his deep desire within; using every move I could to get him hard including talking dirty to him.

He processed to get on top of me.  We locked lips and I reached down to stroke his cock some more.   I finally said the magic words, “Aren’t you anticipating entering my wet pussy?”  And that did it, I couldn’t believe it, but his soft cock came in my hand as I stroked it with those words.

I didn’t know a cock could release cum when soft, but I felt his juices in my hand.  So there it is; a soft dick can still cum.

We cuddled as if we had this fabulous sex.  I guess in his mind, we did.

In my mind, I was left still yearning for a hard cock hitting the bottom of my pussy, making me cum hundreds of times and feel his hard dick cum inside me.

By being proactively forward I know now what a relationship would be like with him.  Why wait, when you can fuck, I say.  Then you get the real deal.  At that point you know whether or not it’s worth returning for.  He certainly wasn’t.  Well, there’s always tomorrow…..

Feeling the Need

Today I was rushed, agitated I didn’t find what I wanted, and to no less wasn’t able to get fucked.  If I was able to get fucked tonight, it would have made whatever happened today  so much better.  The endorphin release helps to put things in perspective.

It’s not like I didn’t try;  I sent many text messages, but not one positive response.  I think it is difficult being a Wednesday and I can’t meet until late evening.   Only a select few are up so late and don’t have to worry about the next morning.  Regardless, I know how much I appreciate my fucks.  They are wonderful.

I also thought tonight after overhearing one of the instructor’s say she just turned thirty and I thought she was very similar in age to me.  I guess I figure five years is a lot.  But I look at her; successful, resourceful, independent, and traveling a lot.  But her parents I also overheard are paying her trip to Israel this May.  Obviously her parents are well to do and are very supportive of her.

I lacked that and think hmmmm, I deserve the same.  I am a little behind in the times because of my lack of support, but I am making up for it now in my interactions, thanks to my good friend’s advice.  I just need to find my own means to monetary freedom as the instructor has.  I don’t know if she got it through her parents or her work, regardless it is not the point.

I see the road to my interactions as my best monetary means, excitement, freedom, and support that I lacked as I child.  So I hope to make a good income for the next few years to support my habit and just enjoy life.

I’d rather focus on something I really enjoy than an unfulfilling career.  I feel like I have focused on my career in the wrong direction for twelve years in Information Technology.  Now it is time for fun and adventure while I am still young enough to attract the attention I desire and get me to the places I want to explore.

A relationship will come in time.  I will live a long time because I am healthy and vibrant.  I truly want to live life to its fullest!  So that said on a drunken stupor on a lonely Wednesday night,   tomorrow I will get fucked!

The Past Couple of Days

The past two days I have made good progress in the development of my relationship coaching website.  I spent the majority of yesterday searching for the right homepage photograph, found one almost immediately that really captured my attention but I kept searching in hopes to perhaps find one better.  It is amazing after all the time I spent hunting online, I ended up with my first instinctive decision which took less than an hour of my time. If I would have just gone with my instinct, I would have saved myself a lot of time.  I think that statement could apply to many aspects of my life; not just web design.

The next day I added the logo, navigation menu, and bottom contact info. It felt good to accomplishment all that I did the past couple of days.  It certainly elevated my mood.

Later that evening, while in Web Design class, the instructor immediately saw what I created for my home page and raved about it.  It just proved once again to always go with your first initial thought and be done with it.

I am always one who wants to explore and see what other options may lay ahead.  Sometimes it works in my favor and other times it doesn’t. Usually I think it adds more complications.  It’s the concept, “the grass is always greener on the other side. “ But as life continues, I’m learning it’s not and my pasture is quite nice right where it resides.

Independence

Monday

I had the hardest time falling asleep last night because I spoke to music man for an hour and a half right before bed.  After we hung up, I tried to fall asleep but I woke-up almost every hour.  I stared at the clock at 1:30am, 4:15am, 5:15am, 6:00am, 8:15am, and then finally decided to get out of bed at 11:20am.  It was a night of tossing and turning as I thought about our conversation.

I decided to take a chance and called music man just before an encounter was coming over.  He enjoyed listening to our interlude as we moaned and groaned in pleasure.

I thought he had already left for his isolation period so when his phone was “on”, it was quite a surprise.  I left a voice message of my intent and shock that his phone was still working.  After I hung-up, I grew suspicious and began to distrust him again.  I notice myself doing that a lot because I am so uninvolved in his life.

Ever since Friday morning and the conflicts between music man and I, the weekend has been an emotional roller coaster.  It is exhausting.  I have noticed my body wearing down lately.  But I was proud of myself for reaching out to friends and got help.  I obtained the support I was looking for from my friends and decided a boyfriend wasn’t the answer to my happiness.

As I discussed my variance with my friends, I decided focusing on my career and personal growth should be my main agenda.  I feel happy where I am in my life.  I am proud of what I have achieved, especially recently.

I determined a new plan for my future and then talked it over to music man when he called later the night I rang his phone as a “test”.  He listened to my agenda but suggested another method in an attempt to change my new focus.  Well that’s how I took it because he came up with another plan that seemed to trump mine.  That is what upsets me about him.  He can be quite persuasive, demanding and over-powering without even realizing what he has done.

He said two days ago when he supposedly going into isolation, “Chart an independent course for yourself, take a break from your interactions to the extent you want and find a bit of calm in my absence.”  I had achieved just that by unwavering future goals for myself and felt good by Sunday evening until his call.

During our conversation, he thought of something new to bring in money.  He stated a new pathway for me for the next thirty days.  It makes it difficult when he wants me to be less dependent on him and frankly I want to be more independent as much as he when he is manipulating his course for my future instead of letting me control my own life.

I had already come up with my own plan and with his new idea I told him it made me feel insignificant because his plan automatically trumps mine.  I don’t like that.  It continues the same dependent, crazy cycle between us.  The conflict is between doing what I think is right for me and then him telling me do “this”.

I am a pleaser and don’t want to let him down.  I feel like I need to do what he says to prove to him my capabilities.  I need to get out of my own way so that I can also prove to him my natural abilities in life to succeed.  He doesn’t let go to let me grow and do things on my own or my way.

I know that he is right and with his help my audios and writing’s will bring in a good income but starting a new business takes time.  I am scared because I have never started a business before and don’t feel I possess all the necessary knowledge.  I need his help with my business venture.  However, I am also afraid he won’t follow through with his words.  I lack trust in him and how true he is to his word.  He hasn’t come through with a lot of things in the past.  His circumstances may play a role but he also has the choice to choose his words properly and ensure he only speaks what he can produce; actions always speak louder than words.

I don’t expect large gifts just small gestures of kindness through small gifts to show his love.  He is always there and a constant in my life that is something to be grateful for but an emotional component is missing and help when he says he is going to help.

I get myself into a frenzy while talking to him sometimes which is why I wasn’t able to sleep last night.  I thought he train wrecked my plan.  I was happy with my new discovery and pathway and then I felt like it was all taken away.  When I got my independence back, I felt like he took it away.

I need to take care of myself. I want to be independent and feel better about myself; enjoy life to its fullest.  It is the best, free feeling even as my good friend agreed.  He wants to be free of my dependency.  Thus we both want the same thing in the end.  We just need to find the right communication, mutual understanding on how we react to one another and respond to each other knowing we want the same goal in the end —INDEPENDENCE.

My Plan of Independence

1. Take care of me even if it means a trip away to a spa.
2. Write everyday.
3. Ensure my writings are typed and if the mood strikes send to him.
4. Join Rotary Club, Women in Business, and Women in Film.
5. Interact as often as capable but don’t put pressure on yourself.  Pressure takes away from the learning, growth, and pure enjoyment.
6. Write about the interaction.
7. Complete 2 – 3 comps for web home page.
8. Create an interactive “Wheel of Life” for web site.
9. Search for images for web home page (possibly a genetic composition of a human).
10. Complete Web site.
11. Launch Web site.